January 15, 2005 (Day 8)

These few days have been tough. I was getting barely enough sleep, the discipline is getting tighter, the company is still the same few crumb balls, and there were times I could barely keep awake, let alone do much of anything.

Last night's fire drill was a prime example. Because of mistakes by a few people, the entire company was subject to push-ups, crunches, and not a few times of running up and down 4 flights of stairs between the bunks and the parade square.......while dragging along a pail holding miscellaneous stuff, and a 4KG rifle. Yes, the slack period is over, and we're all getting the brunt of it all. Tekong is slowly turning into the nightmare I always knew it would be.

But because of it, there's another change in me too. I have no idea how the rest of the crumb balss are taking it, but for me, all it has done was to bring back the negative side of me that I was in my NCC days.......the jaded, cynical being that took those punishments as just another negative aspect of a worthless life. Indeed, now all I can do is to take everything like I did 5 years ago.......with a 'screw you, too, asshole' in my mind, and jaded eyes staring back at the screaming sergeants. Slowly, I feel like I'm losing the vibrant side of me I managed to develop thanks to the girls and to N, and I'm back in a nightmare world with a version of myself who wishes only to get out of this misery as soon as possible......or to get away from it all by dying.

It is because of this that I keep this diary of my days in Tekong. Through all this, I hope to retrieve the real me, by preserving myself in these words. I do not with to become an emotionless drone who takes orders without question; exactly what the army demands. Thus, all I can do is to rant, to cry, to scream through these words, and hopefully I will come through this BMT shit unscathed.

My family and friends have also been instrumental in ensuring I didn't suffer a mental collapse, or lose my personality. Calling back home felt especially good, and N contributed an encouraging message which meant so much to me. I've also called Jessa too, and while she did help me out, I'm starting to get the feeling she doesn't actually understand just what BMT is all about :S

But anyway, I have been calling every night to one or other of my girls, and while they have given me the strength to go on, even though my phone battery has somehow managed to survive, I don't think my phone bill will :p

Alright, I'll see if I can write later.