January 17, 2005 (Day 10)

Someone just told me that a suicide of a teenage girl that happened two years ago, was of someone I knew back in secondary school.

Damned.

I feel awful. I seriously do. And very confused too, about my feelings. It is almost too hard to accept that someone I knew, even how barely, is no longer alive, no longer existent. It really bothers me that I only found out after two years had passed, even though I didn't know her all that well. Right now it feels so heart-wrenchingly confusing. And I really don't need it, not at this time.

But to be honest, such bombshells are a far better, or shall I say far more efficient, way of bringing the fact of your own mortality back to you than any of Eddie Koh's field trips, and to be honest, that's saying a lot. These are the kind of things that really makes you think about life itself, and to appreciate life even more. All I can hope is that I wouldn't have to pay a far higher price for another such lesson in the future. If I'm having trouble coping with the young, premature, death of a near-stranger, goodness knows I can't handle the death of a dear friend.