February 9, 2005 (Day 33)

Perhaps you are all wondering why I took so long to finally make this post. Well, whatever. I have been through so much, I'm literally jaded, tired, unable to see the better side of life. I had no time, no space, nothing to think. Right now, I'm counting my blessings I have any time at all.

Alright. Field camp started on January 29, and it ended Febraury 4 for me. And all I can say was,

It sucked. Big time.

Field camp was where the nightmare all began. Apart from the physical punishment, the general filth of not bathing for 4 days straight at a time, and the fact that things just got even more hectic, there were other things. Things that contribute to making Pulau Tekong truly hell on earth. The screaming sergeants screamed 10 times as much, and they handed out punishments like there's no tomorrow. In the space of 10 minutes, you could be in push-up position, but then the sergeant tells you to change to crunches, then push ups, then crunches again, before going back to push ups and carrying on with 20......but halfway he tells you to change to alternate leg thrust, 5 counts of 4.

And you have no choice but to take it. You better pitch your bashar tents well, or you'll get a tekan session before being forced to go back and try again. You better fall in by 10 seconds, or the next thing you know, you're doing 40. Finish your MREs (Meals Rejected by Ethiopians) by 5 and do your camo as well, or you'll get it again, as well as having no space for the extra rations that's going to come. You better not give up when you're dog-tired, and lift a leg to ease the pain that comes with push ups, or the next thing you know, your whole platoon is doing alternate leg thrusts, and you're the one to blame for that.

And if you fail, you drop to the ground, and all you wish is to just faint, you're pulled up by the shirt, the lieutenant is facing you eye to eye, and in a mean, no-nonsense tone, he tells you to stop whining and take it like a man. And you have no choice, but to literally kill yourself. When you're under pressure, faced with a task you cannot complete in time, you shout out for assistance, hoping that one of your platoon mates would come and help you out. Instead, they ignore you like you're not even worth their time, even if they were not doing anything else, and was free enough to help you out and keep the time wasted to a minimum. End result: When it's times up, everyone rushes past you, telling you to "Hurry up!".......and yet they still don't stop to help, so you end up being late, the whole platoon gets punished, and they're bitter at you for causing this to them, while you're bitter at them for not helping, and thinking that they were every bit as responsible for their plight as you were, so they should just shut up........

It's just too much stress sometimes. Such stress can make people break down and cry. I should know. I did that the 5th night. It's just too much to take sometimes. Well, alright. Go ahead. Call me a wimp to my face, why don't you. I'll be the first to tell you I'm not made for this, I'm a wimp who shouldn't be here in the first place if not for the stupid laws that force me to undergo training in Tekong. Tell me that to my face, why don't you all. I don't care anymore.

Whatever. Field camp showed me the darker side of human nature, and I am all too aware that field camp has also brought out the worst side of me, that cynical, jaded, hot-tempered me of 5 years ago. I know that, and yet I cannot help that, for that was the only way I was going to survive in the hell that was field camp. And I did survive......but hurt. Deep inside. It does toughen you up, true......but field camp also destroys your soul somewhat, and you come out of it changed. And personally, I don't think it's for the better.

That's my mood right now. Today is Chinese New Year, and I have 5 days to enjoy before I have to book in once more. All I hope for now is for someone who would come and soothe the wounds I have suffered from being in a barbaric organization such as the army. When will that come?