February 9, 2005 (Day 33)

Perhaps you are all wondering why I took so long to finally make this post. Well, whatever. I have been through so much, I'm literally jaded, tired, unable to see the better side of life. I had no time, no space, nothing to think. Right now, I'm counting my blessings I have any time at all.

Alright. Field camp started on January 29, and it ended Febraury 4 for me. And all I can say was,

It sucked. Big time.

Field camp was where the nightmare all began. Apart from the physical punishment, the general filth of not bathing for 4 days straight at a time, and the fact that things just got even more hectic, there were other things. Things that contribute to making Pulau Tekong truly hell on earth. The screaming sergeants screamed 10 times as much, and they handed out punishments like there's no tomorrow. In the space of 10 minutes, you could be in push-up position, but then the sergeant tells you to change to crunches, then push ups, then crunches again, before going back to push ups and carrying on with 20......but halfway he tells you to change to alternate leg thrust, 5 counts of 4.

And you have no choice but to take it. You better pitch your bashar tents well, or you'll get a tekan session before being forced to go back and try again. You better fall in by 10 seconds, or the next thing you know, you're doing 40. Finish your MREs (Meals Rejected by Ethiopians) by 5 and do your camo as well, or you'll get it again, as well as having no space for the extra rations that's going to come. You better not give up when you're dog-tired, and lift a leg to ease the pain that comes with push ups, or the next thing you know, your whole platoon is doing alternate leg thrusts, and you're the one to blame for that.

And if you fail, you drop to the ground, and all you wish is to just faint, you're pulled up by the shirt, the lieutenant is facing you eye to eye, and in a mean, no-nonsense tone, he tells you to stop whining and take it like a man. And you have no choice, but to literally kill yourself. When you're under pressure, faced with a task you cannot complete in time, you shout out for assistance, hoping that one of your platoon mates would come and help you out. Instead, they ignore you like you're not even worth their time, even if they were not doing anything else, and was free enough to help you out and keep the time wasted to a minimum. End result: When it's times up, everyone rushes past you, telling you to "Hurry up!".......and yet they still don't stop to help, so you end up being late, the whole platoon gets punished, and they're bitter at you for causing this to them, while you're bitter at them for not helping, and thinking that they were every bit as responsible for their plight as you were, so they should just shut up........

It's just too much stress sometimes. Such stress can make people break down and cry. I should know. I did that the 5th night. It's just too much to take sometimes. Well, alright. Go ahead. Call me a wimp to my face, why don't you. I'll be the first to tell you I'm not made for this, I'm a wimp who shouldn't be here in the first place if not for the stupid laws that force me to undergo training in Tekong. Tell me that to my face, why don't you all. I don't care anymore.

Whatever. Field camp showed me the darker side of human nature, and I am all too aware that field camp has also brought out the worst side of me, that cynical, jaded, hot-tempered me of 5 years ago. I know that, and yet I cannot help that, for that was the only way I was going to survive in the hell that was field camp. And I did survive......but hurt. Deep inside. It does toughen you up, true......but field camp also destroys your soul somewhat, and you come out of it changed. And personally, I don't think it's for the better.

That's my mood right now. Today is Chinese New Year, and I have 5 days to enjoy before I have to book in once more. All I hope for now is for someone who would come and soothe the wounds I have suffered from being in a barbaric organization such as the army. When will that come?

January 25, 2005 (Day 18)

The weekend was, for a lack of a better word, surreal. To be getting resignned to boiling in the cauldron of hot oil that is Pulau Tekong, only to be suddenly taken out and replaced in the comfort zone, is usually enough to send anyone dizzy.

Just for these three days, life was good again. I had my own bed, my computer, my piano, even my own tolet. The meals were truly home-cooked, and tasted as good as never had been before. So too, was the fast food. The tunes from the piano that I play stirred my soul, as I slowly got used to the instrument that had been my silent, yet loquacious friend since time unknown. Indeed, Pulau Tekong truly is the place to teach the meaning of appreciation. It sure did make me appreciate everything I have ever had in my life.

However, the weekend was unfortunately not complete enough for me. Despite all the comfort, all the hoo-hah from relatives clamouring to see the first "army boy" of my generation in the family, wanting to see how he has turned out from the experience, there was still one thing missing. One thing that, with its absence, caused everything to feel unfinished. Which could have, in its presence, made my day complete, my weekend in free society worth it, recharged me for a continuing ordeal at Tekong.

That thing was the girls.

Most unfortunately, I have been firsthand privy to a phenomenon which existed probably a decade back. As the National University of Singapore (NUS) and the other universities don't open their dooes til mid-year, and the 'A' Level results don't come until late February, there exists this phenomenon where, while the guys of the January enlistment intake are entrapped in Tekong, the girls, having too much time in their hands, all take up part-time jobs. AS a result, while the guys only got the weekends to themselves, if at all, the girls won't even be free on the weekends.

In other words, it's harder for them to meet up, and as a result, they drift apart. From this, the "I'm sorry, Joe" story plays out all over again; girl gravitates to older men who have finished their NS, while the "army boys" heal their broken hearts, finish their NS, then proceed to find a nice girl, who then tells their "army boy", "I'm sorry, Joe."

Well, not that I have a girlfriend anyway. The curse won't hit me, although there's a few in the company who would likely suffer that fate. The thing is, practically all of these friends I consider close are all the girls, and because of this phenomenon, it's been getting harder to contact them. EL has been practically uncontactable since I enlisted. Especially sad, since I really miss her quite a lot. ST is also busy at weekends, which means I won't even see her for quite a while. JT isn't even answering her phone, and while I have finally picked up the courage to call D while in camp, the conversation was so awkward, I'm still a bit unsure about calling her again.......perhaps it is best for her to remain a Katrina to me.

Only ST, WR, LF, and Jessa have remained contactable to me, and to be honest, I have literally been surviving on their encouragement, drawing from their words the strength to continue toiling, the will to survive this frying pan, so that I may be forged into something better than I was. Just a few minutes ago, JJ finally took up my call, and as always, it was too good to hear the voice of a friend.

But eventually, phone calls will wear thin, no longer enough. Then all I will wish for is to see them again.

Until then, life in Tekong goes on. And thankfully enough, the first day back, which was yesterday, wasn't as tough as it used to be, which, considering that I'm feeling pretty slack then, now basically means I was wondering where all the nightmares went. I don't know about today though, because I was at CMPB the whole day taking my RSAF com test :p

But well......life in green goes on.