February 24, 2005 (Day 48)

The last few weeks is nothing short of disillusioning, to be honest.

It was all downhill ever since field camp. The crumb balls have become three distinct groups: those who are not bad to hang around with, those who are perpetual strangers, and those who are just bloody fucks. Field camp, instead of gelling us together as a team, has only seemed to bring out the true colours in people, and the differences are creating tension that seems to be permanent. For my part, I have been victimized by the fuck who was supposed to be my buddy, and it is really irritating to have to face an exact copy of the bullies who tormented me during my secondary school days. But well. He's only the latest in a long line of fucks I've seen in my life, and besides, if he wants to be the childish one, that is his problem, isn't it?

What is even worse is that I have become a target amongst my patoon mates and the sergeants alike. It's especially the bloody fucks who like to pick me out for sarcastic comments, and being the kind of person who is both too nice and too slow-witted to throw anything back, I have been keeping it in my heart, simmering. One day, it will all explode, I know. But I'll make sure those bloody fucks get caught in the blast as well, for that is exactly what they deserve. No more Mr. Nice Guy. They don't appreciate my nicer side, they can have the roaring mad me of 5 years ago.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about the sergeants. All my efforts to stay out of their blacklist have been in vain, and apart from always being picked out, I have also been loaded with quite a few extras......most of it for nothing. POP is only 2 weeks away now, so there might just be a chance I can get away with most of it unserved......but still, it's just demoralizing, to be honest. Taking away our weekends doesn't teach us anything, it only saps morale, and if I get too much, I could very well just break down and give up. Then whether I complete NS or not will become a moot question.......

The worst thing is, it has become too hard to contact the girls anymore. Most of them don't even pick up at all, and when you are looking forward to a kind voice to soothe away your cares at the end of the day, being shut out like that only demoralizes me even more. I still know I can't expect so much from them, but in such a stressful situation, passion is starting to overcome my reason, and it is getting harder to think positively without any feeling of emotional support from your friends.

It's too hard. It's getting too hard. Where can I find an understanding ear to listen to my woes? Who can soothe me when I'm in pain?

Still, reality bites, and there's no ignoring it. It was rifle range last week, and while it seemed fun initially to be firing live rounds, punching holes in cupboard only gets to be repetitive, even irritating, when you have to do it for 3 days straight. Besides, range discipline is so strict, it's easy to fall prey despite all the care you have taken. The grenade throws was fun though, and although it's only a throw, the adrenaline is so much more than anything. The actual explosion isn't as loud as some people believe, to be honest.......but it's the way the earth shakes from the explosion that makes the grenade so scary. Still, it was real fun.

As I'm writing this, I can say that I just came back from SITEST yesterday. The thing about SITEST is, it IS as fun as many people say it is, but it is also very exhausting. It's not as bad as field camp though, in fact it is better when you consider that you're starting afresh with people you've hardly met. It means that for a while, you're free of the prejudices developed in the platoon. But good things don't last. And so, right now I'm sitting in the Discussion Room, waiting for the RASF WSO interview, and hoping I won't get guard duty by the last minute this weekend.